Apology To A Friend
Self-improvement comes in the form of thousands of tiny (or sometimes not-so-tiny) failures. Learning experiences are usually uncomfortable but it’s important to navigate them with vulnerability, not shame or blame. Often those lessons come with a price, one that may require making amends or saying “I’m sorry. At the end of the day, you aren’t in it alone. If it feels like it is you against the world, it is probably you vs. yourself.
Dear Friend,
Forgive me. For all that I am and all that I’m not. I know how hard I can make it to love me.
I wish I could undo all the awful things that I've done to you. Embarrassed and unsure, I want to open myself up but all of it has been too much and I don't even know where to start.
So I make believe, take the lead, and lock you out. I've made you think it's all your fault. You walk around alone and scared. You're not even sure what you are so angry about, fearful of losing what you think you've already lost.
Forgive me.
I've abused you. Pushed you away. Taken you for granted. But you stand by me still, giving me hope for who I was meant to be.
I'm scared. Scared that if I let you in it will break me. That I won't be able to handle the warm hug of your acceptance and the comfort of your love. Because one day I might lose it and won't know why. How will I recover?
I've been searching for the right formula and hiding from the truth. Because if I were whole and perfect how could I also be too much?
There are so many voices with so many stories - so which one is true? Am I the hero? The villain? The vagabond? I try to hide my wild but it spills out, reckless and wanting to be free.
In a world whose approval is always changing I don't know how to be me. When I close my eyes I spin into the darkness of every mistake and misspoke word. Which you were more than happy to point out along the way. And continue to do so to this day.
I'm still not perfect. Forgive me. I know you're right here waiting to catch me if I fall. But I'm not sure I can survive the weight of the praise and punishment of it all. All this time I've never even thought about how I make you feel. I've been too busy trying to protect myself from being hurt.
Forgive me. No matter how much I push you away you still manage to push your way through. Wild hair. Loud laugh. Wine-stained teeth. Watch out, you’re a threat to my perfect world.
I’m trying to be more like you. Be patient with me. It's not easy being me or loving you. It may come as a shock but you're not perfect either. But know that I am cheering for you still.
If I could create a world where I never let you down I would. Where I do and say the right thing every time. I've had to push every limit and explore every boundary. To walk away from you in an attempt to find you again.
I'm not sure I'm there yet but I am trying, I promise. I’m still hurt but I'm trying to toughen up. You're not what I asked for. It's messy most of the time but at the end of the day, it's me**. And that’s exactly who I’m trying to be.
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Yours Truly,
** (a letter to myself)
